Forty and one day

June 9, 2012 - Leave a Response

So, yesterday was my birthday.  The Big Four-O.

Having never celebrated birthdays until I was in my late twenties, they never really meant much to me.  In fact, I kind of dread them, but not for any vain reason, like getting older.  We all get older whether or not we celebrate our birthday.  I dread them because, while I’ve had great times celebrating with my friends, it seems that there have been some pretty sad things happen around it as well:

1999:  My friend Craig commits suicide.
2003:  My Uncle Shelby passes away.
2005:  Marlene, my mother-in-law passes away.
2009:  My father passes away.
2011:  My Aunt Inez passes away.
2012:  My friend Rosie passes away.

These days it seems like Death is around every corner.  There’s crazy things going on in the world.  Earthquakes and tsunamis and vampires and zombies.  But are they any crazier then they ever have been?  Maybe…  Maybe not.  Maybe it’s just that we are all connected way more thanks to the internet and 24 hour news channels that need stories to fill up all that time.

Regardless, here I am at forty years old and I’ve taken to (over)thinking about things a lot.

Last year a friend of mine from my youth died in a car accident.  We were friends on Facebook, but just the polite, somebody that I used to know kind of friends.  The kind of friends that like posts, but rarely comment.  After he died, I went to his page for the first time.  From his page, I followed a link to a website that he had set up to show off his photography.  It was a great website, I’m sure he spent many hours getting it put together, however there were no photographs.  There was only this phrase, “Here is where I will be posting my photographs to share with you all.”  Sadly, it was written the year before and there were no photographs.  I’m sure he meant to post things there.  I wish that he had.  But it was so sad to see the empty space of what might have been.  I’ve thought a lot about that page over the past few weeks.  Honestly, the thing that gets me the most is how it feels very much like this page.  I’ve posted twice or so in the past two years.

I don’t want to be that kind of person.  However I’m not going to say that I’m going to write every day.  I know that the odds are heavily in favor that I probably will not write something everyday.  But, I don’t want someone to come here after I die and be saddened by the posibility of what I didn’t do.  So, I’m going to do my level best not to disappoint.  Or, at least to disappoint them with the reality of what I did do.

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Biopsy

May 22, 2011 - One Response

The doctor tells us
we’ll wait on the biopsy
before we worry.

One Year After

July 6, 2010 - 2 Responses

Sigh.  
I guess that I was hoping that somehow,
magically,
I would no longer miss my father. 
That I would be able to stop comparing
the days after the cancer won,
to the days before we knew it existed. 

Although it never told me so, 
my heart knew things wouldn’t
play out as I desperately hoped.
Sometimes we have to grasp,
cling,
at the unrealistic to get by.

Though my heart doesn’t really care,
my brain is begining to wonder…
what will happen to me now? 
     it’s been a year
shouldn’t I be over this by now? 
     it’s been a year
shouldn’t I have some sense of closure?  
     it’s been a fucking year
shouldn’t I at least be able to pretend that I’m okay?

I don’t, can’t, let my mother know what I’m going through.
My sister was the Daddy’s Girl,
and without him is batshit crazy, 
forcing me to be the strong one.
The one my mother can rely on. 
The one my mother doesn’t worry about.

My husband sees the cracks in my veneer
and though he would never tell me to my face, 
I know he doesn’t understand…
why I can’t get past this hole in my heart.
why I spend sleepless nights in the living room.
why I sleep all day in the recliner.
why I mope around the house for days at a time.
why I snap at him for no apparent reason.
and why I never say I’m sorry when I do.

Is it because I can’t get past it?      -or-
Is it because I don’t want to get past it??
I do know that something has to happen
soon
before my father’s cancer claims another victim.

Hero

April 24, 2010 - Leave a Response

I see him in me
a little more every day.
Like father, like son.

Dreams

March 14, 2010 - 4 Responses

He’ll be in my dreams,
never speaking, but I know
Dad’s still there for me.

Arkansas

March 8, 2010 - 3 Responses

God bless those of us
living blue in a red state.
Show thy neighbor love.

Cubical

March 1, 2010 - One Response

Inadvertently,
I hear the pained confession
from his cubical.

Spring

February 27, 2010 - One Response

The first green of spring
makes itself known as I brace
for months of mowing.

Cemetery

February 15, 2010 - One Response

Visiting my dad
where others are memories
only carved in stone.

Cigarette

February 15, 2010 - 2 Responses

Early morning smoke
prepares me for the world that
wants a piece of me.