Biopsy

The doctor tells us
we’ll wait on the biopsy
before we worry.

One Year After

Sigh.  
I guess that I was hoping that somehow,
magically,
I would no longer miss my father. 
That I would be able to stop comparing
the days after the cancer won,
to the days before we knew it existed. 

Although it never told me so, 
my heart knew things wouldn’t
play out as I desperately hoped.
Sometimes we have to grasp,
cling,
at the unrealistic to get by.

Though my heart doesn’t really care,
my brain is begining to wonder…
what will happen to me now? 
     it’s been a year
shouldn’t I be over this by now? 
     it’s been a year
shouldn’t I have some sense of closure?  
     it’s been a fucking year
shouldn’t I at least be able to pretend that I’m okay?

I don’t, can’t, let my mother know what I’m going through.
My sister was the Daddy’s Girl,
and without him is batshit crazy, 
forcing me to be the strong one.
The one my mother can rely on. 
The one my mother doesn’t worry about.

My husband sees the cracks in my veneer
and though he would never tell me to my face, 
I know he doesn’t understand…
why I can’t get past this hole in my heart.
why I spend sleepless nights in the living room.
why I sleep all day in the recliner.
why I mope around the house for days at a time.
why I snap at him for no apparent reason.
and why I never say I’m sorry when I do.

Is it because I can’t get past it?      -or-
Is it because I don’t want to get past it??
I do know that something has to happen
soon
before my father’s cancer claims another victim.

Hero

I see him in me
a little more every day.
Like father, like son.

Dreams

He’ll be in my dreams,
never speaking, but I know
Dad’s still there for me.

Arkansas

God bless those of us
living blue in a red state.
Show thy neighbor love.

Cubical

Inadvertently,
I hear the pained confession
from his cubical.

Spring

The first green of spring
makes itself known as I brace
for months of mowing.

Cemetery

Visiting my dad
where others are memories
only carved in stone.

Cigarette

Early morning smoke
prepares me for the world that
wants a piece of me.

Hagku

She abhors “Fag Hag,”
Instead, prefers to be called
“Princess Among Queens.”